flip analysis, easy proclamations, and nonsensical introductory clauses. It all accumulates into a sort of hovering ball of dimly registered shock. Not only that, but the phenomenon can be said to vaguely threatening, as supported by numerous statistics. In 2015 alone, 81 percent of writing in magazines was found to be magazine writing—a huge increase over a similar percentage that was arrived at only anecdotally some time previously. The starkness of short but far-reaching generalization will seem to corroborate the severity of this trend. No one saw it coming.

Dramatic new paragraphs and the iteration of an initial-capped fabricated name go a long way towards creating the illusion of discovery. We might call this The Discursive Effect. And magazine writing will be the first to tell you that a trend that has taken this degree of importance has to be sold with conviction, even if those assertions are built of nothing more than hollow phraseology. More and more Americans are seeing this precipitous rise in magazine writing, and taking action, through the employment of somber, chilling topic sentence. The time is now to apparently support this entire assertion with sidewinding statements from supposed experts, and the all-important suppositions based on past behaviors of financial markets and legislative loopholes. If magazine readers are lucky—and many have read interjections set between em dashes that seem to verify depth of thought—a shadowy exposé based on a writer’s afternoon interview with a subject feeling the effects of this devastating trend …will soon follow.

Obtuse subhead or gargantuan drop cap—perhaps both. A shift to the present tense, which reeks of immediacy, timeliness.

Dr. Harold Flambeau sits in this Fort Lauderdale office. An obligatory but pointless description of his facial features now follows, adding to your sense of magazine writing.

Etc.

Is This the Most Something Thing in the Nation? (And Will It Kill You and Your Family?)

⊷

There is a phenomenon happening, and it is magazine writing. You may not know about it, but it’s all around you, in doctor’s offices, drug stores, and even on your neighbor’s coffee table. If there’s one thing it contains, it’s